Hubris – Then and now

Hard times make us or break us.  While I believe I have seen more than my fair share; I know there is always  going to be someone with a sadder story, a darker past – someone who has lost more suffered more.  Someone whose life and karma have never been fair to.  How do we deal when the world is stacked against us.  How do we cope when all the odds seem not in our favour?  

I seem to be a lightning rod for sad stories and a safe port in a storm for many.  If you have fallen on hard times – ask anyone who knows me – they will give you my number and I will do what I can.  Over the years it has cost me dearly – emotionally, financially  I have even lost friendships and reputation to people who frankly wound up not being worth the effort.  However, I believe if I don’t try,  if the world turns its back on potential, who knows what we have lost.  Sometimes, at least for me,  it  just took the right person at the right time to offer me the slimmest of threads of hope. Lately that glimmer of light has been a train. I am re- writing this to remind myself that even with the very real possibility of losing everything on a bad bet, what I have been chasing will find me in the wreckage.

In my darkest times I promise myself that if I can just get through the next minute, then 5, then 15, then 30 and so on; then I would be okay.  Sometimes the dark lasts a day, sometimes a week, often months and once nearly a decade. I kept putting one foot in front of the other, I kept promising myself hope was just around the next corner.  

During my decade of struggle I had to push hard to make things happen.  Being a women of child bearing years, during a recession as the pendulum was swing back to ultra conservative offered very little light. I had great experience, but it was partisan. I was well educated but either too much or too little.

Times have changed – and things have gotten better but between postpartum, a terminally angry and entitled partner who measured everything in dollars and cents and being sidelined for propagating the race; I feel fortunate to have survived. 

I hope to again,survive that is, but the black dog of the nineties is back, and has a master hell bent on destroying all that I have accomplished. Somehow standing on the rubble that was me will lift her.

It was not all darkness, like I said there was always that one person who at the right time would offer me that thread of hope.  A professor who admired me that offered my financial assistance.  A stranger in a dog park, who offered to train my husband in a different line of work and sold him the company. A friend who would show up everyday and make me walk, myself, my child and my dog. A group of teenage girls who I had read to everyday for the previous 6 years who organised a child care schedule for so at least once a week II could sleep as long as I needed to without having to get up with a crying child.   A former boss who always managed to call when I was about to be crushed by an unforgiving system and would open the doors to let me plead my case and usually win.  

Eventually tides began to turn, however there were many hard lessons to learn. 

1. It doesn’t matter how brilliant – I am not a great employee in a big system. Big systems are slow to adjust to new visions even if they see the right in it.

2. I should not be a stalking horse for every sad story. Most people won’t thank you for fighting their fight. Too many people want to stay in thier struggle. Don’t fix problems that don’t want fixing – this is still my downfall.

3. Get it in writing. Make people commit to what they want. If you can’t write it down and sign it, you don’t really want change.

4. Don’t give it all away.

Once I let go of the hubris and accepted my greatest accomplishment might be giving my two sons the courage to pursue their passions and embrace themselves. Everything began to change.  Everything that I had been chasing- suddenly started chasing me. They say dreams can’t chase you. I would suggest its only because we allow Ego to tell us so.

I would also suggest that the adage those who don’t learn from history are destined to repeat it.

Here we are again. I have given it all away – to someone who is wearing it as a trophy Here I am mental health circling the drain and not knowing where I will find my life raft.

I had hoped my legacy would be more than a cautionary tale. However here I am – at an age that I should be reaping the benefits of my hard work . I have given it away. I am being mocked, scorned and betrayed for trying to help someone out of their dark. I saved their life – literally- only to have them hold me under.

So here are my lessons to share: Don’t save someone unless you are sure you can carry that burden for the rest of your life.

Trust yourself and your inner voice. Don’t talk yourself out of recognizing evil.

Listen to the people who have loved you for as long as they have known you.

Recognize you probably share DNA with your enemy.

When you meet evil slam the door, turn the key pile furniture agains the door, and throw the key in an active volcano.