This is a recycled post from a post I wrote on another platform on 2013 – However there are updates on the current state of affairs.
Parenting is never easy, even on your best day as a mom; parenting will be the toughest job you will ever have. Well at least that is the way I feel about it. I have, however, discovered since my children have gone to school, that parenting is not only hard. It is, apparently, a competitive sport!
In my oldest sons class there are many first or/and only children. This group demographic seems to be where the real competition starts.
We all want the best for our children it is natural. I can’t fathom a world where a mother looks down at a sleeping child in her arms, and says “Well you suck – I wish you nothing but grief and strife” Okay I guess technically it is possible, but in my world this is the exception and not the rule.
If you wander the halls of any public school, or any venue in which caregivers gather you will hear tales of parenting that will chill you to the bone, and make you think that anyone who is a parent should be locked up, with the exception of the two people talking of course. I am working on a hierarchy to classify parents –
Hierarchy of competitive parenting –
0. Child has behavioral issues – Clearly you are a crappy parent, and everyone will speculate with little or no information on what your problem is.
1. Your child has a learning disability – Sucks to be you guess you swim in the shallow end of the gene pool.
2. Your child brings home D’s – your child is probably learning disabled but as a parent you are indifferent and could not be bothered to have your child tested.
3. Your child brings home C’s – What kid of parent are you? Don’t you work with your child! Or at the very least care enough to do their homework for them?
4. Your child brings home C’s but is involved in organized sports – you are looking to exploit your child and develop him/her as a professional athlete (actor etc)
5. Your child brings home C’s except in Art, Health, Music and Gym. – They are not real subjects so pick any one of the 2 (3 & 4) categories above.
6. Your child brings home B’s – If you made the child do a little extra school work you might be a good parent, but your just a little too self absorbed.
7. Your child brings home B’s and is involved in sports – Refer to parenting style 4
8. Your child brings home A’s in core subjects – You are a wannabe super mom and if you did not stuff you pockets with candies your child might be able to make a half lap around the gym without barfing up a lung.
9. Your child brings home straight A’s but is socially awkward – Wannabe mom is you best friend, because straight A’s are contagious, and it makes wannabe’s child look good hanging with the class social out cast
10. THE HOLY GRAIL OF CHILDREN – Straight A, athletic, polite, and well adjusted. – I have heard rumours of these children, and thought I had actually find one existing in the wild, but then they turned 11 and realized he was a tween. Sigh.
It seems as though as mothers we need to put down other parents or their prodigy in order to make ourselves seem better. The most dangerous of the 10 category of mothers would be mom number 8. In my experience she is the mom who pushes too hard, and in my very personal experience she is the mom, who does have her pockets stuffed with candy, easier to feed them than discipline them. She demands that her children be given extra credit work, and then she takes all their homework home and does it herself.
Personally I am the mom of child 8 and child 5. Child 8 is obsessed with Hockey. I personally loathe the sport and have actively discouraged participation in it. I lost….. My caveat was he could only play if he maintained a B average. So my “9/10” child smiled and said “Okay mom it’s a deal” and has never brought home and A since. Yep I walked into that one.
Child “5” is in; social situations the most charming and witty young man you would ever want to meet. He will shake your hand tell you he is pleased to meet you. He will bring you; out of the blue a flower, glass of water, or just stop and rub your shoulders. He is however utterly disinterested in learning.
I convinced him to learn to add and subtract by putting dollar signs in front of numbers and convincing him that this is how he will keep track of his money. I have a few years to figure out how I am going to relate square roots and geometry to money.
Poor child 5 has been tested, poke, prodded, scanned and analyzed to death. The results are … he is completely normal. Well I should qualify that statement. His school test results put him into the normal range. Privately tested he surpassed all expectations. This concerned me for a long time, and I worked and fought and struggled with him to try and get him to improve his school work. We would spend nearly every minute from after school until bath time fighting, crying and both of us feeling bad about who we were.
Just before grade three, I personally paid to have him tested by an Educational Psychologist – What I discovered (since I was paying I got to see the tests not just have the results interpreted for me.) My son does really well in the first half of the test. Half way through when he feels he is answering the same question for the 3rd or 4th time he quits. Not just fake answers, not half reading the question, he literally quits. In all of his testing all of the time he only ever does ½ the test. Which always nets him a 50% result.
So really he is not a little slow, really he pretty perceptive. Am I a bad parent for not sitting over him and demanding that he finish homework, or do it for him? Maybe, but since I have stopped banging my head and his head against that wall our relationship has improved, and he actually likes going to school.
It is entirely possible that I will live to regret my choices. I like to believe that child 5 will be the young man who looks after me in my dotage and does it with a smile. My B boy will be too busy keeping up with the Jones to have too much time for his mom, but 50% boy …. I am confident he will find time for me if only to punish me for all the tears we shed together from kindergarten until grade 3.
And Where are they now?
12 years later thing all of these children have grown up. Some have flourished others have struggled. Parents have moved on to other things. The competition still exists. Some have been humbled. Others are just proud of their kids, but secretly the enjoy their redemption.
I knew/ know all of these parents and their children. or at least know of them, some rankings were about more than one child so I will give a generalized update.
Child 0 – Prediction – Life in prison –
Reality – Works as a supervisor in the trades, promoted quickly to a supervisor. Alternate Didn’t graduate high school, pursued a Masters degree rank a successful business. Maintains a busy practice, Two children. Divorce back on the fast track to the grave or prison – it could go either way at this point.
Child 1- Prediction – not much
Reality – In care but – maintaining a small but successful inspirational card business
Child 2 – Prediction – Just like mom/dad
Reality – Started to head down the path of the caretaker parent. Short tempered and believes that adulthood makes you and authority and wise. Kind. Works as in a labours job that pays well. Supports caretaker parent. About to be a dad deeply in debt, and with health issues.
New prediction: Becomes a chronic alcoholic, let go from work living on disability, divorce, alcohol and weapons see an premature end. (Dark I know but stress and responsibility will take their toll)
Child 3 – Prediction – homeless and lost
Reality – Dead
Child 4 – Prediction – A sports hanger on er a collector of memorabilia and obsessed with almost made it stories but really didn’t even come close.
Reality – Abusive spouse, mall cop, failed as coach and influencer.
Child 5 – Prediction – Living in his parents basement. shifting responsibility for failure to launch on everyone else. Other child
Reality 1 – Attended University finished a BFA working as a painter. Living at home to support mom who has acquired a disability, who still works full time to support unemployed spouse.
Reality 2 – Engaged, photographer, successfully completed a semester and university. Currently upgrading high school marks to pursue a professional career in law. Turned down opportunities to participate in professional and competitive sporting activities.
Child 6 – Prediction – Coach or Teacher
Reality – He believed his friends who told him he wasn’t smart. Graduated with 145 credits and an A- average. Offered a minor league coaching opportunity in a different sport, in a different country turned it down. Worked in trades, currently personal trainer. Engaged.
Child 7 -Prediction – Bubba
Reality – Remains a bully. Engineer –
Child 8 – Corporate magnate living the made for TV life – unfulfilled and unhappy privately
Reality – Gaining ground as a successful film maker. Member of the LBGTQ+ community. A much nicer human being now than then.
Child 9 – Prediction – Nobel prize in a science. eccentric loner
Reality – Married, father pursuing a life in the arts.
Child 10 – Prediction – Scholar, Professional athlete, Humanitarian
Reality – Invited to leave four separate Universities after first year. Ultra Conservative, married at 24. Isolated from friend group. Selling cars. Joined a fundamentalist christian group.
The moral of this story for me… It matters little how we parent. Our influences can be seen, but, our children will believe what they want. We will have little credibility to them. We who have wiped their tears and bandaged their knees. Held them and loved them through disappointments. We have praised them for less than perfect performances. We have probably actually lied to them to lift their spirits. So our credibility is questionable I suppose. Personally I feel them knowing we will love them unconditionally is more or equally important to being brutally honest.
Either way we will wind up paying for the therapy so console ourselves with the knowledge that we tried our best; and when they have children they will undoubtedly make their bad choices as well.
Shouting into the Abyss 
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