8 Ways to do it better

I attended a minor hockey game this weekend and watched a young referee lose his temper because of all the arm chair reffing. I wanted to weep for the poor referee – who was really conscientiously trying his very best.

Many thoughts crossed my mind but; much to my shame I remained silent, because as one of only three parents on the team that are not part of the management committee of the team it hardly seemed my place to comment. I also know I would not be heard. and one of the parents had threatened because I had previously blogged about his behavior. I did not name names the fact that ihse recognized himself leaves me shaking my head. The league sent a blanket memo to parents regarding this behavior. The only people to apologize were of course the parents not responsible.

One of the worst offenders remained silent, the other used the “let he who is without sin cast the first stone” defense, followed by sidways glances at one another and a deafening silence.

Admittedly I have yelled and even banged the glasses to get a referee’s attention this year, my purpose was to point out that there was an injured player down behind the play. While I am not without sin, I can honestly say without fear of being contradicted I have never yelled a negative comment to a coach or player – I will not go so far as to say that I have not made a negative comment to a ref, coach or player. I have commented to the person sitting beside me, to my husband or niece and perhaps I have been overheard by someone with big ears, but if they were listening to my comment they were not yelling at the players or referee’s so mission accomplished.

Okay – here is what I know – I have both coached and participated in team sports; so I am not a complete maroon when I say this. 8 things to contemplate before decided to go all Gordon Ramsey in the stands.

1. All children – and we are all someone’s child – will stop, hesitate, pause even for the briefest second at the sound of their parent’s voice raised. In competitive sports that second can be a game changer.

2. As a parent/spectator in the stands – you have NO idea what advice or instruction your child has been given by the coach. That failing to move into the play, or hanging back may be what your child was told to do. Contradicting the coach is setting your child up to fail because in a choice between disappointing your coach who is going to yell at you for 10 minutes after the game; or disappointing a parent who will grill you potentially for hours – Be very honest what would you choose?

3. You paid a lot of money to have someone else to coach your child – let them do their job. If you don’t like the way they do their job I am sure they would be happy to offer you the oppertunity to do their job, give it a shot – seriously.

4. Yelling at the referee’s – I am guessing that your hourly pay rate is at least twice what the referee is making. If someone criticized you in the aggressive, loud and public way, or in simple terms – the way you do, how would you respond? I am going to go out on a limb and say you probably would not look at the red faced, neck vain straining person yelling at you and say “Thank you so much for pointing out my mistake, I think you might have a point”. But I am only speculating.

5. What is the purpose of yelling hostile things at the referee? They hold the fate of the game in their hands. Their opinion of your child and mine, that they have never met, is almost soley based on the brief interations they have on the ice, and the behavior of their parents in the stands. – You disagree with that statement? The adage “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” is not a physics lesson. If you as a group of parents have a reputation for being loud- negative – beligerent referee’s are going to be beyond dilegent in calling the game and chances are it will not be your kid, or your kids team mates that are going to get the benifit of the doubt.

6. Again your child has a coach, and your childs team has a captian – not sure but I am pretty sure it is them and only them who have the legitamate right to question a call or lack of call. Let them do their job.

7. The kid your yelling at may be your own, but my kid is out there too. In the heat of the game he doesn’t alway hear you yell your child’s name, he just hears you yelling, angrily. – Over the course of many years of being a hockey mom I have had to explain WAY too much inappropriate parental behavior.

8. It takes as much effort to yell encouragement as it does to toss critisism. Unfortunatly your harsh words uttered in haste, leave lasting marks.

As a final thought – if our kids went to a hockey game and no one was there to watch I can tell you exactly what would happen – at least for my son . In his head the stands would be full. Every game would be game 7 of the Stanely cup final and he would go out there and play the game of his life. I know this is true because I stand in my kitchen every night and watch the scenario unfold, over and over and over again. It used to happen all the time, but since parents have gotten louder, and the word have gotten harsher his dreams have become doubts, and fears.

He asks regularly if your son if going to be in trouble because of the outcome of the game and the comments he heard you make. He doesn’t know the rhythme of your family, nor does he know what is acceptable banter for you and your child – he just hears your angry words and blames himself too much for outcomes he is not soley responsible for.

He is willing to take responsiblity for his actions, he’s 12.

Will you?