Parenting – the school years – a trial sport in the next winter olympics

This is a recycled post from a post I wrote on another platform on 2013 – However there are updates on the current state of affairs.

Parenting is never easy, even on your best day as a mom; parenting will be the toughest job you will ever have. Well at least that is the way I feel about it. I have, however, discovered since my children have gone to school, that parenting is not only hard. It is, apparently, a competitive sport!

In my oldest sons class there are many first or/and only children. This group demographic seems to be where the real competition starts.

We all want the best for our children it is natural. I can’t fathom a world where a mother looks down at a sleeping child in her arms, and says “Well you suck – I wish you nothing but grief and strife” Okay I guess technically it is possible, but in my world this is the exception and not the rule.

If you wander the halls of any public school, or any venue in which caregivers gather you will hear tales of parenting that will chill you to the bone, and make you think that anyone who is a parent should be locked up, with the exception of the two people talking of course. I am working on a hierarchy to classify parents –

Hierarchy of competitive parenting –

0. Child has behavioral issues – Clearly you are a crappy parent, and everyone will speculate with little or no information on what your problem is.

1. Your child has a learning disability – Sucks to be you guess you swim in the shallow end of the gene pool.

2. Your child brings home D’s – your child is probably learning disabled but as a parent you are indifferent and could not be bothered to have your child tested.

3. Your child brings home C’s – What kid of parent are you? Don’t you work with your child! Or at the very least care enough to do their homework for them?

4. Your child brings home C’s but is involved in organized sports – you are looking to exploit your child and develop him/her as a professional athlete (actor etc)

5. Your child brings home C’s except in Art, Health, Music and Gym. – They are not real subjects so pick any one of the 2 (3 & 4) categories above.

6. Your child brings home B’s – If you made the child do a little extra school work you might be a good parent, but your just a little too self absorbed.

7. Your child brings home B’s and is involved in sports – Refer to parenting style 4

8. Your child brings home A’s in core subjects – You are a wannabe super mom and if you did not stuff you pockets with candies your child might be able to make a half lap around the gym without barfing up a lung.

9. Your child brings home straight A’s but is socially awkward – Wannabe mom is you best friend, because straight A’s are contagious, and it makes wannabe’s child look good hanging with the class social out cast

10. THE HOLY GRAIL OF CHILDREN – Straight A, athletic, polite, and well adjusted. – I have heard rumours of these children, and thought I had actually find one existing in the wild, but then they turned 11 and realized he was a tween. Sigh.

It seems as though as mothers we need to put down other parents or their prodigy in order to make ourselves seem better. The most dangerous of the 10 category of mothers would be mom number 8. In my experience she is the mom who pushes too hard, and in my very personal experience she is the mom, who does have her pockets stuffed with candy, easier to feed them than discipline them. She demands that her children be given extra credit work, and then she takes all their homework home and does it herself.

Personally I am the mom of child 8 and child 5. Child 8 is obsessed with Hockey. I personally loathe the sport and have actively discouraged participation in it. I lost….. My caveat was he could only play if he maintained a B average. So my “9/10” child smiled and said “Okay mom it’s a deal” and has never brought home and A since. Yep I walked into that one.

Child “5” is in; social situations the most charming and witty young man you would ever want to meet. He will shake your hand tell you he is pleased to meet you. He will bring you; out of the blue a flower, glass of water, or just stop and rub your shoulders. He is however utterly disinterested in learning.

I convinced him to learn to add and subtract by putting dollar signs in front of numbers and convincing him that this is how he will keep track of his money. I have a few years to figure out how I am going to relate square roots and geometry to money.

Poor child 5 has been tested, poke, prodded, scanned and analyzed to death. The results are … he is completely normal. Well I should qualify that statement. His school test results put him into the normal range. Privately tested he surpassed all expectations. This concerned me for a long time, and I worked and fought and struggled with him to try and get him to improve his school work. We would spend nearly every minute from after school until bath time fighting, crying and both of us feeling bad about who we were.

Just before grade three, I personally paid to have him tested by an Educational Psychologist – What I discovered (since I was paying I got to see the tests not just have the results interpreted for me.) My son does really well in the first half of the test. Half way through when he feels he is answering the same question for the 3^rd or 4^th time he quits. Not just fake answers, not half reading the question, he literally quits. In all of his testing all of the time he only ever does ½ the test. Which always nets him a 50% result.

So really he is not a little slow, really he pretty perceptive. Am I a bad parent for not sitting over him and demanding that he finish homework, or do it for him? Maybe, but since I have stopped banging my head and his head against that wall our relationship has improved, and he actually likes going to school.

It is entirely possible that I will live to regret my choices. I like to believe that child 5 will be the young man who looks after me in my dotage and does it with a smile. My B boy will be too busy keeping up with the Jones to have too much time for his mom, but 50% boy …. I am confident he will find time for me if only to punish me for all the tears we shed together from kindergarten until grade 3.

And Where are they now?

12 years later thing all of these children have grown up. Some have flourished others have struggled. Parents have moved on to other things. The competition still exists. Some have been humbled. Others are just proud of their kids, but secretly the enjoy their redemption.

I knew/ know all of these parents and their children. or at least know of them, some rankings were about more than one child so I will give a generalized update.

Child 0 – Prediction – Life in prison –

Reality – Works as a supervisor in the trades, promoted quickly to a supervisor. Alternate Didn’t graduate high school, pursued a Masters degree rank a successful business. Maintains a busy practice, Two children. Divorce back on the fast track to the grave or prison – it could go either way at this point.

Child 1- Prediction – not much

Reality – In care but – maintaining a small but successful inspirational card business

Child 2 – Prediction – Just like mom/dad

Reality – Started to head down the path of the caretaker parent. Short tempered and believes that adulthood makes you and authority and wise. Kind. Works as in a labours job that pays well. Supports caretaker parent. About to be a dad deeply in debt, and with health issues.

New prediction: Becomes a chronic alcoholic, let go from work living on disability, divorce, alcohol and weapons see an premature end. (Dark I know but stress and responsibility will take their toll)

Child 3 – Prediction – homeless and lost

Reality – Dead

Child 4 – Prediction – A sports hanger on er a collector of memorabilia and obsessed with almost made it stories but really didn’t even come close.

Reality – Abusive spouse, mall cop, failed as coach and influencer.

Child 5 – Prediction – Living in his parents basement. shifting responsibility for failure to launch on everyone else. Other child

Reality 1 – Attended University finished a BFA working as a painter. Living at home to support mom who has acquired a disability, who still works full time to support unemployed spouse.

Reality 2 – Engaged, photographer, successfully completed a semester and university. Currently upgrading high school marks to pursue a professional career in law. Turned down opportunities to participate in professional and competitive sporting activities.

Child 6 – Prediction – Coach or Teacher

Reality – He believed his friends who told him he wasn’t smart. Graduated with 145 credits and an A- average. Offered a minor league coaching opportunity in a different sport, in a different country turned it down. Worked in trades, currently personal trainer. Engaged.

Child 7 -Prediction – Bubba

Reality – Remains a bully. Engineer –

Child 8 – Corporate magnate living the made for TV life – unfulfilled and unhappy privately

Reality – Gaining ground as a successful film maker. Member of the LBGTQ+ community. A much nicer human being now than then.

Child 9 – Prediction – Nobel prize in a science. eccentric loner

Reality – Married, father pursuing a life in the arts.

Child 10 – Prediction – Scholar, Professional athlete, Humanitarian

Reality – Invited to leave four separate Universities after first year. Ultra Conservative, married at 24. Isolated from friend group. Selling cars. Joined a fundamentalist christian group.

The moral of this story for me… It matters little how we parent. Our influences can be seen, but, our children will believe what they want. We will have little credibility to them. We who have wiped their tears and bandaged their knees. Held them and loved them through disappointments. We have praised them for less than perfect performances. We have probably actually lied to them to lift their spirits. So our credibility is questionable I suppose. Personally I feel them knowing we will love them unconditionally is more or equally important to being brutally honest.

Either way we will wind up paying for the therapy so console ourselves with the knowledge that we tried our best; and when they have children they will undoubtedly make their bad choices as well.

November 18, 2025 0

Do you have the grace to be a sporting parent?

8 Ways to do it better

I attended a minor hockey game this weekend and watched a young referee lose his temper because of all the arm chair reffing. I wanted to weep for the poor referee – who was really conscientiously trying his very best.

Many thoughts crossed my mind but; much to my shame I remained silent, because as one of only three parents on the team that are not part of the management committee of the team it hardly seemed my place to comment. I also know I would not be heard. and one of the parents had threatened because I had previously blogged about his behavior. I did not name names the fact that ihse recognized himself leaves me shaking my head. The league sent a blanket memo to parents regarding this behavior. The only people to apologize were of course the parents not responsible.

One of the worst offenders remained silent, the other used the “let he who is without sin cast the first stone” defense, followed by sidways glances at one another and a deafening silence.

Admittedly I have yelled and even banged the glasses to get a referee’s attention this year, my purpose was to point out that there was an injured player down behind the play. While I am not without sin, I can honestly say without fear of being contradicted I have never yelled a negative comment to a coach or player – I will not go so far as to say that I have not made a negative comment to a ref, coach or player. I have commented to the person sitting beside me, to my husband or niece and perhaps I have been overheard by someone with big ears, but if they were listening to my comment they were not yelling at the players or referee’s so mission accomplished.

Okay – here is what I know – I have both coached and participated in team sports; so I am not a complete maroon when I say this. 8 things to contemplate before decided to go all Gordon Ramsey in the stands.

1. All children – and we are all someone’s child – will stop, hesitate, pause even for the briefest second at the sound of their parent’s voice raised. In competitive sports that second can be a game changer.

2. As a parent/spectator in the stands – you have NO idea what advice or instruction your child has been given by the coach. That failing to move into the play, or hanging back may be what your child was told to do. Contradicting the coach is setting your child up to fail because in a choice between disappointing your coach who is going to yell at you for 10 minutes after the game; or disappointing a parent who will grill you potentially for hours – Be very honest what would you choose?

3. You paid a lot of money to have someone else to coach your child – let them do their job. If you don’t like the way they do their job I am sure they would be happy to offer you the oppertunity to do their job, give it a shot – seriously.

4. Yelling at the referee’s – I am guessing that your hourly pay rate is at least twice what the referee is making. If someone criticized you in the aggressive, loud and public way, or in simple terms – the way you do, how would you respond? I am going to go out on a limb and say you probably would not look at the red faced, neck vain straining person yelling at you and say “Thank you so much for pointing out my mistake, I think you might have a point”. But I am only speculating.

5. What is the purpose of yelling hostile things at the referee? They hold the fate of the game in their hands. Their opinion of your child and mine, that they have never met, is almost soley based on the brief interations they have on the ice, and the behavior of their parents in the stands. – You disagree with that statement? The adage “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” is not a physics lesson. If you as a group of parents have a reputation for being loud- negative – beligerent referee’s are going to be beyond dilegent in calling the game and chances are it will not be your kid, or your kids team mates that are going to get the benifit of the doubt.

6. Again your child has a coach, and your childs team has a captian – not sure but I am pretty sure it is them and only them who have the legitamate right to question a call or lack of call. Let them do their job.

7. The kid your yelling at may be your own, but my kid is out there too. In the heat of the game he doesn’t alway hear you yell your child’s name, he just hears you yelling, angrily. – Over the course of many years of being a hockey mom I have had to explain WAY too much inappropriate parental behavior.

8. It takes as much effort to yell encouragement as it does to toss critisism. Unfortunatly your harsh words uttered in haste, leave lasting marks.

As a final thought – if our kids went to a hockey game and no one was there to watch I can tell you exactly what would happen – at least for my son . In his head the stands would be full. Every game would be game 7 of the Stanely cup final and he would go out there and play the game of his life. I know this is true because I stand in my kitchen every night and watch the scenario unfold, over and over and over again. It used to happen all the time, but since parents have gotten louder, and the word have gotten harsher his dreams have become doubts, and fears.

He asks regularly if your son if going to be in trouble because of the outcome of the game and the comments he heard you make. He doesn’t know the rhythme of your family, nor does he know what is acceptable banter for you and your child – he just hears your angry words and blames himself too much for outcomes he is not soley responsible for.

He is willing to take responsiblity for his actions, he’s 12.

Will you?

October 7, 2025 0

Crime and Punishment or Treatment and Support

Part V – I’m Ranted out

What is the change I believe would make the difference?

Portugal pioneered the decriminalization of drugs across the board. They have removed the stigma and view users and people with a health problem, not addicts who are a problem. Until 1974 Portugal was under under the rule of an Autocrat. The policies and laws of the land were stringent, arbitrary and often ridiculous.

After the revolution in 1974 the freedom that comes with democracy was knee buckling. The rutter that steered the ship of reason and societal norms. The Roman Catholic church was ill prepared and itself becoming mired in it own scandals. With little credibility and even less authority the church was impotent to fill the void of moral authority left by the fall of the fallen tyrant.

People under autocratic rule for generations expect democracy to to boldly prance in on a white stallion, toss out golden wishes and butterfly dreams. The freedom of democracy hard won from a tyrant is a mirage. To often Democracy stumbles in drunk,high, tattered, whispering sweet, sweet promises into every pretty girls ear. Democracy the red headed step child of freedom, and all too often has Adam Smith’s invisible hand of economics in its back pocket.

Freedom then breezes in with its infomercial on what you get, and you can have, and make all your neighbours jealous as you drive in your brand new McLaren. Eyes glaze over, smiles bright enough to speed up global warming by a decade break across the doe eyed faces of the newly emancipated.

Wait for it – can you hear the thunder? Did the ground just tremor under your feet. Jaws drop, doe eyes and wonder become fear and terror. Yes, Yes there he is with his santa sack filled with fear, sorrow, regret and responsibility. Reality arrives, ham fisted, blind and angry. Unlike Freedom tossing out unicorns promises on candy floss clouds . Reality stomps in elbows out hurling, responsibility, burden, and obstacles at everyone like Krewes throw beads at Mardi Gras. Reality tears off the rose coloured glasses fairness, self determination and freedom handed out with both hands under autocracy.

Democracy is a trojan horse. Most often it is hiding the wormhole chaos and chaos’es vacuum . Without experience, boundaries or a mature and experienced legislative body the people of Portugal struggled. Drug use and abuse skyrocketed, as the golden roads didn’t materialize. I in every hundred people were using Heroine. (https://transformdrugs.org/assets/files/PDFs/Portugal-drugs-decriminalisation-facts.pdf). Aids, Hepatitis and overdose deaths were overwhelming the health care system, courts and jails. Portugal rates of use and abuse outcomes were 6 times as high as other European countries (Ibid).

By 2002 the number were increasing exponentially. The system could take no more. A wise and empathetic person/people recognised that they didn’t have a ephemeral problem that could be punished out of existance. This was not a coup d’etat attempt corroding the fabric of their society. Drugs were not an abstraction, poisoning there democratic Portugal. They had a people problem. They had sick, stressed and struggling people who were normalizing drug use as a stress release for the next generation. Jails and mortuaries were filling with people with problems both mental and physical as a result of their drug use and abuse.

Punishing the result was not going to cure or ebb the problem. The problem kept in the closet would only become more tempting, and continue to multiple. The Unorthodox was proposed and Portugal move drug use from the judicial system to the health care system. Over night carrying and using any drug was no longer a criminal offense. The money that was once spent on enforcement and incarceration was diverted into the Health care and education systems for diversion and harm reduction. Initially their was a reported increase use of drugs. I would suggest that taking away the stigma and punishment aspects simply made people more honest.

The results have made a differnce: See the figure below:

Figure 1.1

Image in benefits we could derive by focusing the 60% dollar reduction in health care costs into harm reduction, education and research. Think about the savings of cutting incarceration the money could be focused on pursing other crimes like property crimes that are often reported but rarely investigated because insurance has the victim covered. Imagine the boost in your personal self worth by being valued, heard, and offered treatment and support. What a difference that would make.

Oregon adopted the Poragula model and after 3 years it was deemed a failure. First of all it took a generation before Portugal recognized results that made heads turn and jaws drop. Not to mention in Portugal it was a national initiative. Pursuing support for your addiction by moving to a State in your own country is easy. Oregon would naturally attract a higher percentage of people want to or having to use drugs. Being a National initiative meant you didn’t have to move you were supported where you were. Citizenship or Visas are much harder to get and a genuine commitment to hours, weeks, and months of paperwork and red tape.

In Portugal it remains illegal to sell drugs, but using them is perfectly acceptable. I would encourage anyone to review further the the Portugal model and think critically about what we have to lose if we try it; vs what we are losing everyday, month and year. We continue to beat this horse with the same stick. I proffe its time to find an new horse, and try kindness not a bigger stick.

August 15, 2025 0

“Be the Change You Want To See In The World”

Part IV¹

How do we change, how do we move the needle on all of this; crime, punishment, rehabilitation, justice?

I certainly don’t have any answers, I do however have some ideas. If after 400 years the Roman Catholic church can review its attitudes regarding the guilt of Galileo and reverse their decision, consider newer knowledge and evidence Perhaps after 200 years with little to no progress and new information perhaps as a civil society that claims to be enlightened, responsive and progressive than the Roman Catholic church we should take a beat and reevaluate some fundamental practices that have failed us repeatedly but we claim are still best practices.

Lets review the cost of incarceration, the social costs and cost in lost productivity attributed to drug use. The costs are staggering, with seemingly little or no progress made. You will notice, however it is not illegal drug sales or use that are the biggest draw on the system. It is the perfectly legal drugs that are the highest drain on government resources. See figure 1 ((https://www.canada.ca/en/health-canada/services/publications/healthy-living/canadian-drugs-substances-strateg)

Alcohol and tobacco drain the system at a rate 3 times that of opioids. So why have Opioids, stimulants and miscellaneous other drugs become so vilified? Drug use and abuse is a slippery slope. Most street drugs continue to have legal “big pharma” equivalents and can and are often prescribed to this day. Big pharma handed the fentanyl crisis to the world on a silver platter.

Fig. 1 Costs of substance use and harms in Canada, in billions of dollars

Social cost of substance abuse:

Fig. 2 (https://www.canada.ca/en/health-canada/services/publications/healthy-living/canadian-drugs-substances-strateg)

The four substances associated with the largest costs were (in order):

Alcohol: $19.7 billion or 40.1% of the total costs,
Tobacco: $11.2 billion or 22.7% of the total costs,
Opioids: $7.1 billion or 14.4% of the total costs and
Cocaine: $4.2 billion or 8.5% of the total costs.

Pie chart of all costs associated with substance use in Canada in 2020, including $22.4 billion in lost productivity, $13.4 billion in healthcare, $10.0 billion in criminal justice and $3.3 billion in other direct costs.

Roughly 30 billion dollars a year on Alcohol and Tobacco alone

Fig. 3 All cost of drug use in dollars (Ibid)

The costs of substance use were also classified into four categories:

So on one hand if you have a medical degree, a Nurse Practitioner license or have qualified as a prescribing pharmacist you are a government certified drug dealer, Random thought – If you then have more than one practice, or more than one pharmacy are you classified as a legal cartel?

Until quite recently there was very little oversight on how and to whom you wrote the script to. Anecdotally I would postulate that the largest source of street drugs are prescribed to patients and sold to dealers for rent money or groceries. The big problem with opioids comes in when the drugs are pooled and remixed for fun and profit in “independent private labs” outside the realm of the Federally mandated inspection agencies. The same dedication to ensuring active ingredients are evenly distributed are not followed.

Is continuing to take a jackbooted approach to drugs the right path to travel? What happens if recreational drugs of all flavours are dispensed by government certified drug dealers? Produced in inspected labs and labelled, taxed and monitored like alcohol and tobacco?

Many of our laws are antiquated and need a rethink. In jurisdictions where drugs are decriminalized, and de-stigmatized money formally spent on enforcement is funnelled into treatment, awareness , harm reduction and support. Drug crimes do not increase, organised crime and health care costs are reduced because of safe injection sites and safer cleaner drugs mitigate many crises.

Using the figures above and adjusting for street drug decriminalization roughly 32 Billion dollars could be focused on diversion, harm reduction, and education programs.

I know this will sound like I am contradicting my own arguement; but hang in there with me. From 1920 until the end of 1933 the US introduced prohibition. They became, in theory a dry country. Alcohol use had become such a problem abolitionists argued convincingly it was the only solution. Until the early 1900’s public health and safe drinking water were terms that never crossed the minds of legislators. Community water sources including the water source for Washington D.C were slews, breeding grounds for a host of deadly and debilitating diseases, including typhoid, malaria and plague to name but a few. Alcohol was thought to be a cheap and safe alternative. Alcohol was also a cheap and effective preserving agent for sea going vessels. It kept crews, if not productive, at least compliant.

In care facilities or institutions of confinement addiction was actually cultivated. It made residents compliant. Cigarettes were most often used but alcohol was not out of the question. Nurseries would recommend a bit of brandy for a fussy baby. Is it really any wonder alcohols became a problem so large the Federal Government felt the need to step in and address it? They chose to step in on the side of enforcement of ridged and punishing laws around drinking of any kind.

It was the rise in domestic violence, and work related injury that raised the specter of addiction as a public health concern. On the surface Prohibition was a success. Rates of alcoholism are only now starting to approach pre-prohibition levels. However, the social and economic costs were devastating to the US economy. Domestic violence increased, organized crime filled the void for those who still needed to acquire alcohol. Organized crime brought a plethora of its diverse and unique issues such as a dramatic increase in gun crimes, extortion, gambling, human trafficking, et.al. In fact it was organized crime that spawned the founding of the FBI.

The economy utterly collapsed as large manufacturers; not only of alcohol but bottle makers, printers, machinery manufacturers, distributions networks small business who were employers were shut down often overnight. Thousands of jobs were lost. Millions tax dollars lost and millions more spent on enforcement. in The social and health care systems were suddenly overwhelmed as no diversion measures were in place. Cut off from their legal source and supply, people turned to dangerous alternatives such as isopropanol, personal manufacturers and bootleg brew. There was no economic or productivity gain. Certainly over the decade rates of alcohol abuse decreased, and the systema found levels seen. A moral was won certainly. It created a public and economic disaster. Enforcement costs skyrocketed and jails burst to overflowing.

Prohibition created an underground network and economy that continues to thrive by adapting quickly Then giving the people what they want; at outragously inflated prices.

When Marajuana was decriminalized and was allowed to be sold openly and legally crime rates did not spike in fact as seen in figure 4. They have decreased by nearly 40%.

Figure 4 Crime statistics from 2018 – 2022 ( Source: Statistics Canada. Table 35-10-0177-01.)

	2018	2022	percent
	actual incidents
*Criminal Code* violations (excluding traffic)	2,043,328	2,206,454	7.98
Violent Criminal Code violations	426,839	531,243	24.46
Property crimes	1,241,083	1,290,215	3.96
Other Criminal Code violations	375,406	384,996	2.55
Selected violations
Homicide	658	874	32.83
Sexual assault (levels 1 to 3)	28,557	35,965	25.94
Assault (levels 1 to 3)	227,940	276,287	21.21
Breaking and entering	160,329	132,897	-17.11
Motor vehicle theft	86,192	105,673	22.60
Drugs	84,927	52,857	-37.76
Impaired driving	70,832	70,588	-0.34
Source: Statistics Canada. Table 35-10-0177-01.

Initially many were reluctant to support “big marajuana”. They continued to rely on their independent supplier. As people discovered the quality of “ big marajuana was superior and the price was nearly 50% less most smokers migrated to Big Pot. There remains a few independent suppliers offering service, however, their product is becoming increasingly dangerous as it in now often laced with fentanyl and other opioids in an attempt to keep loyal customers.

By decriminalizing street drugs and having them produced and distributed by approved vendors the federal and provincial governments could potentially see 33 billion in cost savings, not to mention the potential for tax revenues. We would be supporting developing nations to transition their illicit economies into part of their national revenue streams increasing their GDP. Which in turn would reduce their enforcement costs, potentially stabilise their governments, and make them less dependent on foreign aid. Another cost savings for developed/ first world countries. A global problem becomes a global solution.

We have really nothing to lose. We have had at least 2 centuries of prohibition and it has not served us. The opioid crisis is real and was created by the medical establishment. It’s time for law enforcement to put its focus on the crimes that occur with more frequency, such as violent crimes and property crimes.

Fundamentally drug use falls under the category of victimless crime. It is an individual making a choice for themselves that theoretically does not elicit the participation of another. No one is being forced to do something against their will. I know I know it affects families and children, so does alcohol and tobacco. Tobacco will involve more victims than drug use. Yet they are legal. Tobacco and alcohol are 65% of the total costs of the “drug crisis” Yet they continue to be openly and legally distributed. I argue it’s time for drugs, all drugs to move from an enforcement issue to a public health issue.

Legalizing marajuana moved the needle in 4 years, what if we took the step and gave this preposterous notion a test drive?

July 12, 2025 0

Justice Part III

As the gap between the haves and the have nots has widened, and the “me” generation has replaced the silent generation as legislators and the intelligentsia. Justice is a privilege of the moneyed not a right of the all. The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms was entrenched into the Canadian Constitution Act of 1867 in 1982 to ensure that the rights, freedoms and privileges of being Canadian would require a national referendum to be altered and not a simple act of Parliament.¹ One of the fundamental rights under both the Constitution act and the charter reads:

“Equality Rights

“Equality before and under law and equal protection and benefit of law

15 (1) Every individual is equal before and under the law and has the right to the equal protection and equal benefit of the law without discrimination and, in particular, without discrimination based on race, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, sex, age or mental or physical disability. “²

Yet we have no national system, fund, or insurance to assure an accused access to appropriate representation. The law and rules of court are so complicated that it is not realistic for an accused to be able to represent themselves, nor would they have the ability to access the full body of specific knowledge of the penal code and precedence to provide themselves with adequate defense. The resources available to the Crown are theoretically limitless. The resources available to the defense are limited to the amount of money they have in the bank; less the amount of money they require to live. Both the Constitution Act and the Charter of Rights and Freedoms are silent on the right to health care; yet all Canadians have equal access to government sponsored health care. Would not equitable access to justice be at a minimum equal to access to health care? While our Justice system offers equal access to justice it is not equitable.

Guilty until proven innocent:

The Charter states:

“Every person is “(d) to be presumed innocent until proven guilty according to law in a fair and public hearing by an independent and impartial tribunal;”³

I am sure when drafting the Charter in the 1980’s no one anticipated the collapse of the 5th Estate, and the rise of social media and a primary news network. Journalistic ethics and the ability to manage information to protect both the victim and accused has vanished. Arrests and victims find themselves named and outed, the word allegedly has disappeared utterly from these stories. The more salacious the charges the more media and social media attention an arrest receives. The 24 hour news cycle whips up a frenzy by presenting an arrest as a definitive indication that an individual is guilty.

The Kangaroo Court of public opinion has decided an individual’s guilt or innocence. Based on an arrest, perhaps without investigation, simply an allegation reported, A headline on social media, and the majority opinion at the water cooler. Evidence is not really all that important after all.

Certainly the person accused will have their day in court, the media may or may not continue to report on the story. Their stories will likely be slanted towards villifing the accused. If the accused is found guilty they will be incarcerated for what is likely to be deemed a “light” sentence.

If they are acquitted – it will either not be spoken of in social media, or be qualified as, the Crown lacked evidence. The accused will not be declared Innocent, it will not be a big banner story and the fact that they were charged will remain on their record for the rest of their life.

We all believe where there’s smoke there is fire. Case in point of how this will forever place a scarlet letter on a wrongfully accused individual and leave a trail of trauma far and wide.

A local female hockey coach was accused, by a 17 year old female player, of luring her into an intimate relationship. This relationship is alleged to have gone on for over a year. This coach has been coaching for over 15 years and never has even a whisper of this kind of behavior ever been proffered.

The story lived large on social media for 3 days. Family members had to take down their social media accounts. The woman was arrested at the school where she worked as an aide at the end of the school day. ⁴

Sex crimes and sex crimes against children are indeed heinous, and the public does have a certain right to know to protect their children. That is fair. What right does the accused have? The rest of that story that will be outed at trial is – The family hockey coach has been having a serious affair with the players father, The marriage dissolved in a nasty and public way. The relationship continued and was heading toward marriage. Did the coach offer a hug to her player/ about to be step daughter? Probably. Was there intent to lure. Having known this coach her entire life, no not related, just close family friends. There has NEVER been even the tiniest sign that this was a proclivity.

Based on searches and further evidence even the crown is unsure that there is really any smoke let alone a fire. Her innocents will not be a 3 day news story and only a handful of people will ever know the truth. The parents who witnessed the arrest will never forget and be left with doubts, colleagues and principles and the coaching community will continue to point at the outline of that scarlet letter. Should it continue to court the charge will follow her around forever. Is this not a direct contradiction of this fundamental right to be deemed innocent until proven guilty? When social media stormed the bastion of the ethically bound traditional media? Was it decided that we would dispense with the pillaried and fallible scales and marbled halls of constitutional justice? Should we dispense with lawyer and advocate and replace them with publicists and influencers?

Legal Rights

Life, liberty and security of person

7 Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of the person and the right not to be deprived thereof except in accordance with the principles of fundamental justice.⁵

In cases like this it is impossible to find a way to apologise in a way that is as big and dramatic as the way she was accused. It is likely there will be a civil suit, and money will be awarded, nothing however will erase the doubt of the people who saw, read about or worked with this woman. The trauma, the arrest, the fear of going out in public, the ability to return to work, or ever coach again will take years to overcome. The mental health trauma, what would happen if all the bullying and threats are too much and she takes her own life? How then do we compensate her for authorities jumping on the mean girl bandwagon and not further investigating this? How do we unring the bell of public opinion? How do you erase collective memory? How do you turn back the hands of time and honour the covenant that you are innocent until proven guilty?

The court of public opinion is quick to accept the salacious, the scandalous. It embroiders that yellow truth with speculation and nearsighted machinations of their little green monster. They stand on the marble stairs of their glass house confident that no one will ever open their closet of shame or peek under the carpet where their entitled selves have swept their shady shit. Their crusade is to mould their avorious into the next step on the road to becoming the definitive moral authority.

Yes I recognize the irony in this statement. ↩︎
https://laws-lois.justice.gc.ca/eng/Const/index.html ↩︎
https://laws-lois.justice.gc.ca/eng/Const/index.html ↩︎
Some details have been altered to preserve the dignity of all involved. ↩︎
https://laws-lois.justice.gc.ca/eng/Const/index.html ↩︎

July 10, 2025 0

Crime and Punishment Part II

Corrections

The “correction” system is less about rehabilitation and more about breaking the human spirit. If someone steps out of line all are punished. Sent to their “room” and locked up, losing privileges arbitrarily and most certainly without a true appreciation of what went into triggering that behavior. This is no longer high school; the consequences of that type of enforcement can be far more serious, and deadly.

This type of control propagates despots and engenders an atmosphere of fear, loathing, a fulminating atmosphere waiting to erupt. Inmates walk on eggshells, constantly on high alert. Fearing not only their fellow residents, until the culture can be fully understood; but also waiting for the guards to pounce and flex their power.

There’s no hearing or appeal process. There’s no Arbiter. There’s no sober second thought into what might have occurred. You are judged and convicted as guilty on the spot even if it were someone else’s misstep, but you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I’m not saying that all guards are vindictive or intentionally cruel but with no hearing to hear or find out or discover the entire story. There is no recourse. You have no power. You are voiceless, you have no rights, you have no justice. Guards are Gods; they have all the power and all the control. “Absolute power corrupts absolutely”¹

This style of punishment has been the preferred style of control for most of human history. “An eye for an eye”² . Institutions in our country and in fact in most countries strip individuals who have broken the law of their humanity. It is made very clear who is in control. History has clearly shown that over time this kind of dehumanized behavior incubates the very behaviors it is trying to remediate.

This Us Against Them mentality teaches no lessons, builds no bridges. It is fuel for discrimination, justification for violence and misuse of power. In Health and Mental health research it is viewed as dangerously unhealthy behavior to be overcome³. This polarized atmosphere becomes dangerous and creates an environment waiting for a spark to ignite a battle. It breeds unhealthy loyalties. It is the psychology used to build loyal armies, political support, and loyal fans. It does not create cooperation, or insight into creating a better life.

We have stripped these individuals of their rights, placed them under a microscope, given a small army the authority to give or take away privileges and invade their privacy and/ or person at any time. We have told that army their service is noble. They are protecting the gentile from the savage. The “savage” are then perceived and treated as such. We take away their rights, their freedoms and consign them to stables and treat them as animals to be broken, because they are the savage and all savages come from the same place all savages just need a strong hand. We then expect the imprisoned to have an epiphany and recognize the fork in the road and choose a different path. Yet we fail to offer a map it is supposed to be instinctual.

We offer no opportunity to experience a different road, just methodical dehumanization, and a spirit crushing existence monitored and judged by a small army trained to believe they are a moral authority and the defenders of the righteous. “Because to take away a man’s freedom of choice, even his freedom to make the wrong choice, is to manipulate him as though he were a puppet and not a person.” ⁴

In any other circumstance this type of epiphany would be referred to as “Stockholm Syndrome”⁵

The rates of recidivism in Canada have remained consistent since 1955. As has been the style of punishment. There have certainly been minor tweaks and changes made over the last century, loosening here and tightening there. There has not been no ground breaking jaw dropping changes to the “Us vs Them” polarizing philosophy of crime and punishment.

Lord Acton – Speaking again the monarchy to Bishop Creighton in a letter 1888. ↩︎
Hammurabi’s Code, which was created by the Babylonian king Hammurabi between 1792–50 BCE. ↩︎
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-new-home/201908/the-psychology-us-vs-them?msockid=063cde8eed6c6c6b0739cdb2ecd46d86 ↩︎
Madeline L’Engle ↩︎
a coping mechanism to a captive or abusive situation. People develop positive feelings toward their captors or abusers over time. This condition applies to situations including child abuse, coach-athlete abuse, relationship abuse and sex trafficking. ↩︎

July 10, 2025 0

Crime and Punishment – How many pieces of silver does it take to buy justice? -Definitely only part 1

This was going to be my little soapbox piece – it was originally titled reimagining crime and punishment, probably only part one. It has however turned form soapbox to platform; hence we have moved probably to definitely. I welcome considered opinions – and am open to comments. I will not publish attacks, polarized opinions without reasoned suggestions to move the needle in a positive way. I am a firm believer in if you can’t offer a suggestion for change you are part of the problem.

So without further ado part one the introduction to my treatice

What is justice? I remember a time when it seemed black and white, Right was right and wrong was wrong there were no gray areas. Mom was justice , the police were safe people, guardians of our safety and security. The church was our moral authority. The bible written in stone. Courts, judges and lawyers were wise men. Their judgement was beyond reproach. Defense attorneys were sober second thought fact checkers who ensured the whole story was told, and capable of protecting the wrongfully accused. The media gave us the facts. Just the facts. Oh to live in that rose coloured world where bad things only happened to other people. Justice was fair and punishment changed things.

As someone who has had a front row seat to most sides of the farce known as crime and punishment; what is achingly clear is- Justice is for sale to the highest bidder,or the person or corporation with the deepest pockets. It’s cheaper and softer if you are WASPM (White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Man). The wrongly accused or convicted never receive an apology as loud as the accusation, they remain not only tainted but significantly poorer for the fight, traumatized and deeply disillusioned. Reform and rehabilitation are other words code for the home of master classes in how to be bad better. They are Institutions of soul crushing, dehumanization. They strip the incarcerated of their pride, dignity and hope that they can ever be seen as anything but criminal.

Taking a hard and objective look at our system of law, enforcement and rehabilitation leaves one making some unfortunate and over used comparisons to militaristic regimes. Local law enforcement is dressed up and made spectacle to assure the general public they are there to protect the local citizenry. They issue traffic tickets, take the occasional report and are meant to be seen. They are the PR team. Generally they get top marks for being seen. When the rubber hits the road and it comes time to investigate, that is a task above the paygrade of a beat cop, who actually knows the community.

I have had a number of interactions with the legal system, I have never been in jail, I have been wrongfully accused. I have been privy to its ins and outs and manipulations as accused, victim, family, parent, girlfriend, employer, and friend. I know people who work in the system, I know people incarcerated. The system is not designed to help people find their way back

Less than 40% of crimes reported are actually solved the number drops to under 5% when it comes to property crimes our jails are full to overflowing with soldiers in criminal networks dealers, pimps, car thieves, petty thieves, indigenous people, minorities and new immigrants, a handful of murderers and serial killers and of course the innocent. Where are the heads of networks, the Puppet Masters of all the moving people? If our jails are full, why does the crime rate remain fairly steady? Why is the recidivism rate so high? Why are people with the same charges facing such different sentences? Why do our prison populations not mirror our demographics? Why does having more melanin mean you are more likely to be in prison?

July 9, 2025 0

Embracing Unseen Strength: Lessons from Life’s Journey

I haven’t always been quiet. I haven’t always wanted to be unseen. At some point I discovered that mountains can be moved in the silence, and usually it is the unseen hand that changes the world. As I approach one of those milestone birthdays; and having left a toxic situation I have been reflecting on what I have done and where I am going. Have I achieved my goals? Have I made things better? Who have I hurt? Am I doing what needs to be done? What do I regret? What can I do to minimize my regrets? Do I have amends to make? What have I missed?

As I have been reflecting I have realized there are many odd things I don’t know about myself. I don’t know if I was pretty. I certainly wasn’t one of the popular girls, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are flawed or have a face and a body only a parent could love. I was raised by older parents so both my reference base and conversational choices were not generally things like “Isn’t Leif Garret just dreamy? ” they often were topics like “Can you believe fundamentalists have ousted the Shah and taken over Iran? How are all those women going to deal with the return to the stone age?” My family owned one of the towns major industries and my father was a once in a lifetime boss. You wanted to work for him. I never “had” to wear hand-me downs. Everything I had for the most part was new. I had a pony. I believed renting was a lifestyle choice, not a necessity. I didn’t realize I had a “place” a box I was supposed to fit into.

I didn’t know we were rich. I was continually told that we were poor, look at the Doctor look at the Lawyer. It never occured to me to think about the stories of scrimping and saving and question why they were all 30+ years old. It never occured to me that Hawaiian vacations were luxuries. New vehicles every year were the status quo in my world and if you hung on to a vehicle longer than two years it was because A. it was or was going to be a classic or B. you just really liked it. I didn’t know most people took out loans to buy vehicles and houses my dad alway just wrote a cheque. I knew nothing else.

While I can see why in many ways I was not wildly popular I don’t know if I was pretty. Pretty was not a value to be sought after. You couldn’t be pretty and smart you had to be one or the other. Pretty was one of the deadly sins. – Vanity. After university at my first “professional” job. I was in a bar enraged at a study that made the news saying pretty women were more often hired than their less aesthetically pleasing equally or better qualified sisters, As I, with venom in my voice and rage in my heart, ended my soap box argument, My boss looked at me and said ” Why are you so wound up about this, you are always going to have the advantage. Why are you arguing against your own interest?” I stood there with my mouth hanging open for two reasons 1. I am clearly arguing for what is right and good why would you not be as passionate about it as I am? Answer – he is a man and an a Ph.D this was trivia to him. 2. Was he implying I might be considered pretty? I was 27 years old at this point and the possibility had never occurred to me. I finally stammered.”What do you mean?” He said “you are pretty you will win”. My composed response was to break into a loud and ugly cry, in a neighbourhood pub and run to the bathroom. I managed to convince myself that he only said that because he wanted to sleep with me, I was smart, not pretty. The poor man was at a loss as what to do. He apologized and walked me to my car. He went back in paid the bill and left embarrassed as everyone glared at him- wondering what that mean old man might have done to that young women.

I won’t go on with ridiculous story after ridiculous story. From this more evolved and experianced side of my life here is what I know about my flaws and misunderstandings. The reason I would rather be unseen, the reasons I allow others to take my limelight. It was pointed out to me recently I have done amazing things, I have changed my part of the world for the better, and in a few instances I really have made a global difference. I have spent a lifetime doing without reflecting, because there is always one more mountain to climb, no time to stop and pat myself on the back – that would be slothful and arrogant.

I have believed that Humiliation was kindness and support.

Other things I have believed my whole life and only now am I able to really look and ponder –

Embarrassment for arrogance

Jealousy for love. or for my lack of ability

Silence for scorn or again my causing embarrassment to someone else.

Family for love and safetly.

Marriage for safety, love, and support.

Being notice for arrogance.

Being recognized for achievement was a moral failure

Poverty for lack of desire.

Independence for being unlovable

Tanacity was cruelty

Openness a cry for attention

Compassion was simply arrogance.

Today I own I have done great things, I have made a difference, I have changed lives, I have never given up I will no longer allow anyone else to calibrate my moral compass. I have made I life I am proud of. I do not want a parade or public proclamations. I don’t need anyone to tell me they are proud of me. I am proud of me. The air in the room does shift when I walk in without anyone knowing why – which is my great advantage. I have made peace with quietly accepting that I can make a difference and be great just for me no one needs to validate that.

I don’t have to fit into a box.

I don’t do what I do to be honour or rewarded. I do what I do because it brings me joy. To be able to tell the unseen, the unappreciated, and often the unwanted they make a difference, they are seen. How can they believe they truly do if I stand in there light and declare they matter because I said so. Absolutely that strokes my ego it changes nothing but your own personal hat size.

To have your hand on enough levers that you can tilt a playing field in favour of invisible, disenfranchised and disenchanted, to watch someone from afar and see them take their space, claim their identity and purpose; it is a transformative experience. I realize it was easy to make me believe I wasn’t doing it right, I wasn’t. Like Don Quixote I was chasing the accolades not the outcomes. To be genuine you need to be willing to remain unseen.

The applause with never be loud enough to fill the belly of the beast called Ego. Seeing a shadow become a fully realized valued member of their community. To see them embrace themselves and recognize their value is worth taking a moment to appreciate. It may leave ego hungary but your heart will burst with pride as you watch them take their place at the table. Ego won’t starve and Ego will find itself healthier for having missed a meal or two.

The irony all the erosion and dismissal of my achievements made me work harder, take bigger risks to try to be enough. The more I accomplished the farther away approval got. The less I reflected or appreciated that I had moved a big piece of that mountain the more Ego would tell me. “You didn’t do the work you just had the idea”. However, the idea was the work, or it is work that if I had done it the problem wouldn’t have been solved. Or ” It’s not like that was your idea, you just did the work.” As long as you look in someone else’s mirror you will alway be failing. Build your own box and quietly polish your own mirror, calibrate your own compass and every 60 years or so take a minute to appreciate what you have done.

June 26, 2025 0

In the Dark

Hard times make us or break us. While I believe I have seen more than my fair share of struggle and hard times. I know there is always going to be someone with a sadder story, a darker past – someone who has lost more suffered more. Someone whose life and karma have never been fair to. I also know my hard is a first world hard and largely of my own design. How do we deal when the world is stacked against us. How do we cope when everything seems to want to see us fail, to break our spirit?

I seem to be a lightning rod for sad stories and a safe port in a storm for many. If you have fallen on hard times – ask anyone who knows me – they will give you my number and I will do what I can. Over the years it has cost me dearly – emotionally, financially I have even lost friendships and reputation to people who frankly wound up not being worth the effort. However, I believe if I don’t try, if the world turns its back on potential, who knows what we have lost. Sometimes, at least for me, it just took the right person at the right time to offer me the slimmest of threads of hope. With that; just that tiny light I could muster the courage to carry on.

In my darkest times I promise myself that if I can just get through the next minute, then 5, then 15, then 30 and so on; then I would be okay. Sometimes the dark lasts a day, sometimes a week, often months and once nearly a decade. I kept putting one foot in front of the other, I kept promising myself hope was just around the next corner.

During my decade of struggle I had to push hard to make things happen. The economy was in the toilet, jobs were few and far between, at most I seemed to manage contract work and campaign work. I loved the work however, being a woman of child bearing years finding steady employment was a slog. For the first 4 years they would ask at interviews if I had children. About year 5 PC (politically correct) came into play – Sheila Copps passed a bill extending maternity leave and people were not able to ask about your children or desire to have them. At this point women between 20 and 40 were merely viewed with suspicion. Every part of me was scrutinised, I forgot to take off a necklace that had indeed been an invasion gift, I referred to my unborn children as aliens – as I felt a bit like John Hurt in the movie. The interviewer told me my necklace was beautiful and asked if it had been a gift. Of course still having “baby brain” and being a very proud first time mom I said yes and explained why I got it. Needless to say the job went to a less qualified man about my age.

Times have changed – and things have gotten better but between postpartum, a terminally angry and entitled partner who measured everything in dollars and cents and being sidelined for propagating the race; I feel fortunate to have survived.

It was not all darkness, like I said there was always that one person who at the right time would offer me that thread of hope. When my partner got left holding the bag for two big contracts that were unpaid, and a bill at a supplier store was charged in his name; It was a professor who admired me that offered my financial assistance. A stranger in a dog park, who offered to train my husband in a different line of work and sell him the company. A friend who would show up everyday and make me walk, myself, my child and my dog. A group of teenage girls who I had read to everyday for the previous 6 years who organised a child care schedule so at least once a week I could sleep as long as I needed to without having to get up with a crying child.

A former boss who always managed to call when I was about to be crushed by an unforgiving system and would open the doors to let me plead my case and usually win.

Eventually tides began to turn, however there were many hard lessons to learn. Like no matter how brilliant I am. I am not a great employee in a big system. I worked as a political organiser from the time I was 15 years old – that is a whole other story. With my politics and where I live that often meant you got a big title, but no minions. Until I had children I was a sought after organiser and right up to and including 9/11 I was working. However that campaign made me realise my days as an organiser were done. The candidate, the tactics crossed into territory and were so ultra conservative I could not believe I was there, certainly my personal politics did not condon the messaging. I had become a political slut.

Thus began some of my darkest times. That is when you realise that while History and Russian literature are fascinating and make you a delight at a cocktail party, partisan political experience, while good for the soul, is not really good on the resume. There were entire years where I had to force myself to put out one resume a week. I could not handle the rejection of putting out more. It truly was a struggle and often soul crushing. My mental health was circling the drain. I lost my belief in myself, I lost hope that I would ever find my path. I dreamed of a big life and instead all I could see was drudgery and being a little and meaningless cog in a big wheel.

It was in all that darkness that I finally accepted that perhaps I would never be Secretary General of the UN, or negotiate peace in the Middle East. While working in rural communities at an environmental conference I met a man whose entire 40 year career had been simply to negotiate water rights on the Nile river. Each and every time he had gotten all the agreements signed, a war, a coup or the formation of an entirely new country would nullify everything and he would have to start over. I talked to him about how frustrating it must be never to achieve even a single step forward in your career. His response was that he may never be able to win the race but he has created the path. The next person will find the road a little easier and perhaps they will find the solution simply because he made the maps.

It was then I realised that demanding and expecting that I deserved the brass ring and all the gold and glory that come with it was perhaps not what I was destined for. I may never be the trailblazer that is recorded in the annals of history or the first woman to… But maybe just maybe I could clear the path for that woman, or my son’s. Perhaps I can whisper in her ear – “Just keep going Dear I believe in you.” It is not always conquering Everest that makes you admired and appreciated – it is more often being the person who said to Sir Edmond Hillary – why of course you can climb Everest. I know you can do it, don’t be discouraged you have what it takes.

Hope, and success don’t always come with a marching band leading a ticker tape parade in your honour. Hope and accomplishment are not always the throne or your name in the record books. Accomplishment can be simply being the person who believes in the person who will stumble upon the big prize. Not necessarily because they are looking but because you believed.

Once I let go of the hubris and accepted my greatest accomplishment might be giving my two sons the courage to pursue their passions and embrace themselves. Everything began to change. Everything that I had been chasing- suddenly started chasing me.

May 2, 2024 0

Loud Enough to be Heard

How do I speak in a voice loud enough to be heard?

In all relationships there should be compromise. Somehow there always seems to be a dominant and submissive partner. Being the person who believes what they are told and not what they see I always believed relationships were give and take – discussion and finding a middle ground.

As an adult – married and in other relationships – I find this to not be so true. None of my parents, siblings or aunts had these kinds of relationships. There was always one aggressively dominant partner and one who bent in the breeze. I always admired the partner that was willing to bend. The person who made the relationship work. They always seemed to lead from behind. This was their gift and I had tremendous respect for that gift.. They quietly change the course of things quietly and without fan fare. They were the people who flowed with the river. They didn’t try to swim upstream. The dominant partners walk through life with boxing gloves on fighting it all. They have hard boundaries that are respected. Because to not respect the boxers boundaries no matter how absurd would create bedlam, and potentially blow the relationship apart with no end of trauma and drama.

Compromisers can have boundaries too – they can draw hard lines and they tend to have them respected. They are few but everyone knows they are concrete. It is an art and when it works it is a beautiful thing. Compromisers bend; they change their course by picking moments, gently and quietly subverting some of the hard lines of the boxer. Progress is often glacial but compromisers take the long view and can wait for the river to erode the hard lines and immutable personality. The compromiser believes in the beauty of the road less travelled and is willing to see the possibilities of a different point of view.

Compromisers stand in the storm of derision and venom; they remain silent, or as silent as is possible. They wait to pick their moment to have a rational conversation, to be loud enough to be heard. A boxer’s storms can be loud, angry and at great volume with great grand gestures coupled with a few outrageous lies. A Boxer can and will weaponize a compromiser’s every vulnerability and insecurity. It is impossible to stand in the storm and not be wounded, crushed, battered and bruised but a compromiser’s heart is always open and willing to forgive. Their memories are long but willing to give grace to their boxer because their boxer’s love is bigger than their hurt.

While it is possible to withstand the storm – it is hard, be sure to take stock knowing who you are and your worth. Be careful not to let the boxer erode your sense of value, hold tight to who you are – even if it’s just your secret.. Love yourself first, be able to be peaceful with your own company. Boxers love the attention fighting the good fight, or being ringmaster of the circle affords them. Boxers demand to be heard – they speak at volume and enter with fanfare. They are people magnets, and will often overwhelm people with their big emotions and bold actions. But they can’t always reign in that big personality and certainly alone is not their happy place.

Compromisers and Boxers have to work really hard to get what they need.They need to learn to be comfortable in other ways, it often hurts and is hard. Most of all they need to learn to be heard, They need to know how to not lose themselves while giving themselves to someone who functions in foreign and tumultuous waters. The compromisers need to learn to speak loud enough to be heard in a constructive way and not a reactive way. Boxers need to learn to be still and let go of the drive to win at all cost.

Relationships are not individual sports – it is a team sport – and you will win as a team or lose as a team. In relationships that fail no one walks away a winner. They have lost time, they have lost a piece of themselves. There will be trauma and hurt. There will be loneliness and regret. The best you can hope for is you have learned, and evolved. You are a little wiser, and a little more resilient for the next time. That you will be brave enough to let down your armour and love again. Be loud enough to be heard and still enough to listen.

When Compromisers and Boxers come together it can be an amazing thing. Boxers can raise you up. Loan you the passion and courage to reach beyond your grasp and be strong enough to ensure a soft landing should you fall short – or a ticker tape parade should you succeed. Compromisers can temper the volatility and reactionary tendencies of Boxers. They can focus Boxers on the longer game and bigger plan and show them the beauty of the small success. Benders are by nature soft landings. They may not plan the ticker tape parade but they will quietly tell you how proud they are of your accomplishments and recognize it in a very personal way.

On their worst days Compromisers and Boxers can tear one another apart. They both look for the win one quickly and loudly – the other willing to spend a lifetime winning a ¼ inch at a time. Both Compromisers and Boxers will be the people you see walking in on your worst day – and offering all the help they have to give.

This entry started off in a vastly different strain – it began in the middle of an ugly ugly fight. And in this relationship because of its complexity and its long history of push and pull – admiration, respect, frustration, isolation, sorrow, heartache and ultimately love – the waves of anger and fear work themselves out – and the sun shines. And you realise at the end of the day working together we can probably change the world should we decide to. I will never find a softer landing, a bigger cheerleader, and more love anywhere than I have here in this moment – with this person – in this lifetime.

May 2, 2024 0

Part IV1

Corrections

Part IV¹