How do I speak in a voice loud enough to be heard?

In all relationships there should be compromise.  Somehow there always seems to be a dominant and submissive partner.  Being the person who believes what they are told and not what they see I always believed relationships were give and take – discussion and finding a middle ground.  

As an adult – married and in other relationships – I find this to not be so true.  None of my parents, siblings or aunts had these kinds of relationships. There was always one aggressively dominant partner and one who bent in the breeze.  I always admired the partner that was willing to bend.  The person who made the relationship work.  They always seemed to lead from behind. This was their gift and I had tremendous respect for that gift..  They quietly change the course of things quietly and without fan fare.  They were the people who flowed with the river.  They didn’t try to swim upstream.  The dominant partners  walk through life with boxing gloves on fighting it all.  They have hard boundaries that are respected.  Because to not respect the boxers boundaries no matter how absurd would create bedlam, and potentially blow the relationship apart with no end of trauma and drama.

Compromisers can have boundaries too – they can draw hard lines and they tend to have them respected.  They are few but everyone knows they are concrete.  It is an art and when it works it is a beautiful thing.  Compromisers bend; they change their course by picking moments, gently and quietly subverting some of the hard lines of the boxer.  Progress is often glacial but compromisers take the long view and can wait for the river to erode the hard lines and immutable personality.  The compromiser believes in the beauty of the road less travelled and is willing to see the possibilities of a different point of view.

Compromisers stand in the storm of derision and venom; they remain silent, or as silent as is possible.  They wait to pick their moment to have a rational conversation, to be loud enough to be heard.  A boxer’s storms can be loud, angry and at great volume with great grand gestures coupled with a few  outrageous lies.  A Boxer can and will weaponize a compromiser’s  every vulnerability and insecurity.  It is impossible to stand in the storm and not be wounded, crushed, battered and bruised but a compromiser’s heart is always  open and willing to forgive.  Their memories are long but willing to give grace to their boxer because their boxer’s love is bigger than their hurt.

While it is possible to withstand the storm – it is hard, be sure to take stock knowing who you are and your worth.  Be careful not to let the boxer erode your sense of value, hold tight to who you are – even if it’s just your secret..  Love yourself first, be able to be peaceful with your own company.  Boxers love the attention fighting the good fight, or being ringmaster of the circle affords them.  Boxers demand to be heard – they speak at volume and enter with fanfare. They are people magnets, and will often overwhelm people with their big emotions and bold actions.  But they can’t always reign in that big personality and certainly alone is not their happy place.  

Compromisers  and Boxers have to work really hard to get what they need.They need to learn to be comfortable in other ways, it often hurts and is hard. Most of all they need to learn to be heard, They need to know how to not lose themselves while giving themselves to someone who functions in foreign and tumultuous waters. The compromisers need to learn to speak loud enough to be heard in a constructive way and not a reactive way.  Boxers need to learn to be still and let go of the drive to win at all cost.    

Relationships are not individual sports – it is a team sport – and you will win as a team or lose as a team.  In relationships that fail no one walks away a winner.  They have lost time, they have lost a piece of themselves.  There will be trauma and hurt.  There will be loneliness and regret.  The best you can hope for is you have learned, and evolved.  You are a little wiser, and a little more resilient for the next time.  That you will be brave enough to let down your armour and love again. Be loud enough to be heard and still enough to listen.

When Compromisers and Boxers come together it can be an amazing thing. Boxers can raise you up. Loan you the passion and courage to reach beyond your grasp and be strong enough to ensure a soft landing should you fall short – or a ticker tape parade should you succeed.  Compromisers can temper the volatility and reactionary tendencies of Boxers.  They can focus Boxers on the longer game and bigger plan and show them the beauty of the small success.  Benders are by nature soft landings. They may not plan the ticker tape parade but they will quietly tell you how proud they are of your accomplishments and recognize it in a very personal way.  

On their worst days Compromisers and Boxers can tear one another apart.  They both look for the win one quickly and loudly – the other willing to spend a lifetime winning a ¼ inch at a time.  Both Compromisers  and Boxers will be the people you see walking in on your worst day – and offering all the help they have to give. 

This entry started off in a vastly different strain – it began in the middle of an ugly ugly fight.  And in this relationship because of its complexity and its long history of push and pull – admiration, respect, frustration, isolation, sorrow, heartache and ultimately love – the waves of anger and fear work themselves out – and the sun shines.  And you realise at the end of the day working together we can probably change the world should we decide to. I will never find a softer landing, a bigger cheerleader, and more love anywhere than I have here in this moment – with this person – in this lifetime.