Tag: fighting

Do you have the grace to be a sporting parent?

8 Ways to do it better

I attended a minor hockey game this weekend and watched a young referee lose his temper because of all the arm chair reffing. I wanted to weep for the poor referee – who was really conscientiously trying his very best.

Many thoughts crossed my mind but; much to my shame I remained silent, because as one of only three parents on the team that are not part of the management committee of the team it hardly seemed my place to comment. I also know I would not be heard. and one of the parents had threatened because I had previously blogged about his behavior. I did not name names the fact that ihse recognized himself leaves me shaking my head. The league sent a blanket memo to parents regarding this behavior. The only people to apologize were of course the parents not responsible.

One of the worst offenders remained silent, the other used the “let he who is without sin cast the first stone” defense, followed by sidways glances at one another and a deafening silence.

Admittedly I have yelled and even banged the glasses to get a referee’s attention this year, my purpose was to point out that there was an injured player down behind the play. While I am not without sin, I can honestly say without fear of being contradicted I have never yelled a negative comment to a coach or player – I will not go so far as to say that I have not made a negative comment to a ref, coach or player. I have commented to the person sitting beside me, to my husband or niece and perhaps I have been overheard by someone with big ears, but if they were listening to my comment they were not yelling at the players or referee’s so mission accomplished.

Okay – here is what I know – I have both coached and participated in team sports; so I am not a complete maroon when I say this. 8 things to contemplate before decided to go all Gordon Ramsey in the stands.

1. All children – and we are all someone’s child – will stop, hesitate, pause even for the briefest second at the sound of their parent’s voice raised. In competitive sports that second can be a game changer.

2. As a parent/spectator in the stands – you have NO idea what advice or instruction your child has been given by the coach. That failing to move into the play, or hanging back may be what your child was told to do. Contradicting the coach is setting your child up to fail because in a choice between disappointing your coach who is going to yell at you for 10 minutes after the game; or disappointing a parent who will grill you potentially for hours – Be very honest what would you choose?

3. You paid a lot of money to have someone else to coach your child – let them do their job. If you don’t like the way they do their job I am sure they would be happy to offer you the oppertunity to do their job, give it a shot – seriously.

4. Yelling at the referee’s – I am guessing that your hourly pay rate is at least twice what the referee is making. If someone criticized you in the aggressive, loud and public way, or in simple terms – the way you do, how would you respond? I am going to go out on a limb and say you probably would not look at the red faced, neck vain straining person yelling at you and say “Thank you so much for pointing out my mistake, I think you might have a point”. But I am only speculating.

5. What is the purpose of yelling hostile things at the referee? They hold the fate of the game in their hands. Their opinion of your child and mine, that they have never met, is almost soley based on the brief interations they have on the ice, and the behavior of their parents in the stands. – You disagree with that statement? The adage “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” is not a physics lesson. If you as a group of parents have a reputation for being loud- negative – beligerent referee’s are going to be beyond dilegent in calling the game and chances are it will not be your kid, or your kids team mates that are going to get the benifit of the doubt.

6. Again your child has a coach, and your childs team has a captian – not sure but I am pretty sure it is them and only them who have the legitamate right to question a call or lack of call. Let them do their job.

7. The kid your yelling at may be your own, but my kid is out there too. In the heat of the game he doesn’t alway hear you yell your child’s name, he just hears you yelling, angrily. – Over the course of many years of being a hockey mom I have had to explain WAY too much inappropriate parental behavior.

8. It takes as much effort to yell encouragement as it does to toss critisism. Unfortunatly your harsh words uttered in haste, leave lasting marks.

As a final thought – if our kids went to a hockey game and no one was there to watch I can tell you exactly what would happen – at least for my son . In his head the stands would be full. Every game would be game 7 of the Stanely cup final and he would go out there and play the game of his life. I know this is true because I stand in my kitchen every night and watch the scenario unfold, over and over and over again. It used to happen all the time, but since parents have gotten louder, and the word have gotten harsher his dreams have become doubts, and fears.

He asks regularly if your son if going to be in trouble because of the outcome of the game and the comments he heard you make. He doesn’t know the rhythme of your family, nor does he know what is acceptable banter for you and your child – he just hears your angry words and blames himself too much for outcomes he is not soley responsible for.

He is willing to take responsiblity for his actions, he’s 12.

Will you?

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Crime and Punishment or Treatment and Support

Part V – I’m Ranted out

What is the change I believe would make the difference?

Portugal pioneered the decriminalization of drugs across the board. They have removed the stigma and view users and people with a health problem, not addicts who are a problem. Until 1974 Portugal was under under the rule of an Autocrat. The policies and laws of the land were stringent, arbitrary and often ridiculous.

After the revolution in 1974 the freedom that comes with democracy was knee buckling. The rutter that steered the ship of reason and societal norms. The Roman Catholic church was ill prepared and itself becoming mired in it own scandals. With little credibility and even less authority the church was impotent to fill the void of moral authority left by the fall of the fallen tyrant.

People under autocratic rule for generations expect democracy to to boldly prance in on a white stallion, toss out golden wishes and butterfly dreams. The freedom of democracy hard won from a tyrant is a mirage. To often Democracy stumbles in drunk,high, tattered, whispering sweet, sweet promises into every pretty girls ear. Democracy the red headed step child of freedom, and all too often has Adam Smith’s invisible hand of economics in its back pocket.

Freedom then breezes in with its infomercial on what you get, and you can have, and make all your neighbours jealous as you drive in your brand new McLaren. Eyes glaze over, smiles bright enough to speed up global warming by a decade break across the doe eyed faces of the newly emancipated.

Wait for it – can you hear the thunder? Did the ground just tremor under your feet. Jaws drop, doe eyes and wonder become fear and terror. Yes, Yes there he is with his santa sack filled with fear, sorrow, regret and responsibility. Reality arrives, ham fisted, blind and angry. Unlike Freedom tossing out unicorns promises on candy floss clouds . Reality stomps in elbows out hurling, responsibility, burden, and obstacles at everyone like Krewes throw beads at Mardi Gras. Reality tears off the rose coloured glasses fairness, self determination and freedom handed out with both hands under autocracy.

Democracy is a trojan horse. Most often it is hiding the wormhole chaos and chaos’es vacuum . Without experience, boundaries or a mature and experienced legislative body the people of Portugal struggled. Drug use and abuse skyrocketed, as the golden roads didn’t materialize. I in every hundred people were using Heroine. (https://transformdrugs.org/assets/files/PDFs/Portugal-drugs-decriminalisation-facts.pdf). Aids, Hepatitis and overdose deaths were overwhelming the health care system, courts and jails. Portugal rates of use and abuse outcomes were 6 times as high as other European countries (Ibid).

By 2002 the number were increasing exponentially. The system could take no more. A wise and empathetic person/people recognised that they didn’t have a ephemeral problem that could be punished out of existance. This was not a coup d’etat attempt corroding the fabric of their society. Drugs were not an abstraction, poisoning there democratic Portugal. They had a people problem. They had sick, stressed and struggling people who were normalizing drug use as a stress release for the next generation. Jails and mortuaries were filling with people with problems both mental and physical as a result of their drug use and abuse.

Punishing the result was not going to cure or ebb the problem. The problem kept in the closet would only become more tempting, and continue to multiple. The Unorthodox was proposed and Portugal move drug use from the judicial system to the health care system. Over night carrying and using any drug was no longer a criminal offense. The money that was once spent on enforcement and incarceration was diverted into the Health care and education systems for diversion and harm reduction. Initially their was a reported increase use of drugs. I would suggest that taking away the stigma and punishment aspects simply made people more honest.

The results have made a differnce: See the figure below:

Figure 1.1

Image in benefits we could derive by focusing the 60% dollar reduction in health care costs into harm reduction, education and research. Think about the savings of cutting incarceration the money could be focused on pursing other crimes like property crimes that are often reported but rarely investigated because insurance has the victim covered. Imagine the boost in your personal self worth by being valued, heard, and offered treatment and support. What a difference that would make.

Oregon adopted the Poragula model and after 3 years it was deemed a failure. First of all it took a generation before Portugal recognized results that made heads turn and jaws drop. Not to mention in Portugal it was a national initiative. Pursuing support for your addiction by moving to a State in your own country is easy. Oregon would naturally attract a higher percentage of people want to or having to use drugs. Being a National initiative meant you didn’t have to move you were supported where you were. Citizenship or Visas are much harder to get and a genuine commitment to hours, weeks, and months of paperwork and red tape.

In Portugal it remains illegal to sell drugs, but using them is perfectly acceptable. I would encourage anyone to review further the the Portugal model and think critically about what we have to lose if we try it; vs what we are losing everyday, month and year. We continue to beat this horse with the same stick. I proffe its time to find an new horse, and try kindness not a bigger stick.

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Loud Enough to be Heard

How do I speak in a voice loud enough to be heard?

In all relationships there should be compromise.  Somehow there always seems to be a dominant and submissive partner.  Being the person who believes what they are told and not what they see I always believed relationships were give and take – discussion and finding a middle ground.  

As an adult – married and in other relationships – I find this to not be so true.  None of my parents, siblings or aunts had these kinds of relationships. There was always one aggressively dominant partner and one who bent in the breeze.  I always admired the partner that was willing to bend.  The person who made the relationship work.  They always seemed to lead from behind. This was their gift and I had tremendous respect for that gift..  They quietly change the course of things quietly and without fan fare.  They were the people who flowed with the river.  They didn’t try to swim upstream.  The dominant partners  walk through life with boxing gloves on fighting it all.  They have hard boundaries that are respected.  Because to not respect the boxers boundaries no matter how absurd would create bedlam, and potentially blow the relationship apart with no end of trauma and drama.

Compromisers can have boundaries too – they can draw hard lines and they tend to have them respected.  They are few but everyone knows they are concrete.  It is an art and when it works it is a beautiful thing.  Compromisers bend; they change their course by picking moments, gently and quietly subverting some of the hard lines of the boxer.  Progress is often glacial but compromisers take the long view and can wait for the river to erode the hard lines and immutable personality.  The compromiser believes in the beauty of the road less travelled and is willing to see the possibilities of a different point of view.

Compromisers stand in the storm of derision and venom; they remain silent, or as silent as is possible.  They wait to pick their moment to have a rational conversation, to be loud enough to be heard.  A boxer’s storms can be loud, angry and at great volume with great grand gestures coupled with a few  outrageous lies.  A Boxer can and will weaponize a compromiser’s  every vulnerability and insecurity.  It is impossible to stand in the storm and not be wounded, crushed, battered and bruised but a compromiser’s heart is always  open and willing to forgive.  Their memories are long but willing to give grace to their boxer because their boxer’s love is bigger than their hurt.

While it is possible to withstand the storm – it is hard, be sure to take stock knowing who you are and your worth.  Be careful not to let the boxer erode your sense of value, hold tight to who you are – even if it’s just your secret..  Love yourself first, be able to be peaceful with your own company.  Boxers love the attention fighting the good fight, or being ringmaster of the circle affords them.  Boxers demand to be heard – they speak at volume and enter with fanfare. They are people magnets, and will often overwhelm people with their big emotions and bold actions.  But they can’t always reign in that big personality and certainly alone is not their happy place.  

Compromisers  and Boxers have to work really hard to get what they need.They need to learn to be comfortable in other ways, it often hurts and is hard. Most of all they need to learn to be heard, They need to know how to not lose themselves while giving themselves to someone who functions in foreign and tumultuous waters. The compromisers need to learn to speak loud enough to be heard in a constructive way and not a reactive way.  Boxers need to learn to be still and let go of the drive to win at all cost.    

Relationships are not individual sports – it is a team sport – and you will win as a team or lose as a team.  In relationships that fail no one walks away a winner.  They have lost time, they have lost a piece of themselves.  There will be trauma and hurt.  There will be loneliness and regret.  The best you can hope for is you have learned, and evolved.  You are a little wiser, and a little more resilient for the next time.  That you will be brave enough to let down your armour and love again. Be loud enough to be heard and still enough to listen.

When Compromisers and Boxers come together it can be an amazing thing. Boxers can raise you up. Loan you the passion and courage to reach beyond your grasp and be strong enough to ensure a soft landing should you fall short – or a ticker tape parade should you succeed.  Compromisers can temper the volatility and reactionary tendencies of Boxers.  They can focus Boxers on the longer game and bigger plan and show them the beauty of the small success.  Benders are by nature soft landings. They may not plan the ticker tape parade but they will quietly tell you how proud they are of your accomplishments and recognize it in a very personal way.  

On their worst days Compromisers and Boxers can tear one another apart.  They both look for the win one quickly and loudly – the other willing to spend a lifetime winning a ¼ inch at a time.  Both Compromisers  and Boxers will be the people you see walking in on your worst day – and offering all the help they have to give. 

This entry started off in a vastly different strain – it began in the middle of an ugly ugly fight.  And in this relationship because of its complexity and its long history of push and pull – admiration, respect, frustration, isolation, sorrow, heartache and ultimately love – the waves of anger and fear work themselves out – and the sun shines.  And you realise at the end of the day working together we can probably change the world should we decide to. I will never find a softer landing, a bigger cheerleader, and more love anywhere than I have here in this moment – with this person – in this lifetime.

0

Loud Enough to Be Heard

In all relationships there should be compromise.  Somehow there always seems to be a dominant and submissive partner.  Being the person who believes what they are told and not what they see I always believed relationships were give and take – discussion and finding a middle ground.  

As an adult – married and in other relationships – I find this to not be so true.  None of my parents, siblings or aunts had these kinds of relationships. There was always one aggressively dominant partner and one who bent in the breeze.  I always admired the partner that was willing to bend.  The person who made the relationship work.  They always seemed to lead from behind. This was their gift and I had tremendous respect for that gift..  They quietly change the course of things quietly and without fan fare.  They were the people who flowed with the river.  They didn’t try to swim upstream.  The dominant partners  walk through life with boxing gloves on fighting it all.  They have hard boundaries that are respected.  Because to not respect the boxers boundaries no matter how absurd would create bedlam, and potentially blow the relationship apart with no end of trauma and drama.

Compromisers can have boundaries too – they can draw hard lines and they tend to have them respected.  They are few but everyone knows they are concrete.  It is an art and when it works it is a beautiful thing.  Compromisers bend; they change their course by picking moments, gently and quietly subverting some of the hard lines of the boxer.  Progress is often glacial but compromisers take the long view and can wait for the river to erode the hard lines and immutable personality.  The compromiser believes in the beauty of the road less travelled and is willing to see the possibilities of a different point of view.

Compromisers stand in the storm of derision and venom; they remain silent, or as silent as is possible.  They wait to pick their moment to have a rational conversation, to be loud enough to be heard.  A boxer’s storms can be loud, angry and at great volume with great grand gestures coupled with a few  outrageous lies.  A Boxer can and will weaponize a compromiser’s  every vulnerability and insecurity.  It is impossible to stand in the storm and not be wounded, crushed, battered and bruised but a compromiser’s heart is always  open and willing to forgive.  Their memories are long but willing to give grace to their boxer because their boxer’s love is bigger than their hurt.

While it is possible to withstand the storm – it is hard, be sure to take stock knowing who you are and your worth.  Be careful not to let the boxer erode your sense of value, hold tight to who you are – even if it’s just your secret..  Love yourself first, be able to be peaceful with your own company.  Boxers love the attention fighting the good fight, or being ringmaster of the circle affords them.  Boxers demand to be heard – they speak at volume and enter with fanfare. They are people magnets, and will often overwhelm people with their big emotions and bold actions.  But they can’t always reign in that big personality and certainly alone is not their happy place.  

Compromisers  and Boxers have to work really hard to get what they need.They need to learn to be comfortable in other ways, it often hurts and is hard. Most of all they need to learn to be heard, They need to know how to not lose themselves while giving themselves to someone who functions in foreign and tumultuous waters. The compromisers need to learn to speak loud enough to be heard in a constructive way and not a reactive way.  Boxers need to learn to be still and let go of the drive to win at all cost.    

Relationships are not individual sports – it is a team sport – and you will win as a team or lose as a team.  In relationships that fail no one walks away a winner.  They have lost time, they have lost a piece of themselves.  There will be trauma and hurt.  There will be loneliness and regret.  The best you can hope for is you have learned, and evolved.  You are a little wiser, and a little more resilient for the next time.  That you will be brave enough to let down your armour and love again. Be loud enough to be heard and still enough to listen.

When Compromisers and Boxers come together it can be an amazing thing. Boxers can raise you up. Loan you the passion and courage to reach beyond your grasp and be strong enough to ensure a soft landing should you fall short – or a ticker tape parade should you succeed.  Compromisers can temper the volatility and reactionary tendencies of Boxers.  They can focus Boxers on the longer game and bigger plan and show them the beauty of the small success.  Benders are by nature soft landings. They may not plan the ticker tape parade but they will quietly tell you how proud they are of your accomplishments and recognize it in a very personal way.  

On their worst days Compromisers and Boxers can tear one another apart.  They both look for the win one quickly and loudly – the other willing to spend a lifetime winning a ¼ inch at a time.  Both Compromisers  and Boxers will be the people you see walking in on your worst day – and offering all the help they have to give. 

This entry started off in a vastly different strain – it began in the middle of an ugly ugly fight.  And in this relationship because of its complexity and its long history of push and pull – admiration, respect, frustration, isolation, sorrow, heartache and ultimately love – the waves of anger and fear work themselves out – and the sun shines.  And you realise at the end of the day working together we can probably change the world should we decide to. I will never find a softer landing, a bigger cheerleader, and more love anywhere than I have here in this moment – with this person – in this lifetime.

2

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